CASE STUDIES : Marriage
David and Beulah are married for the past 6 months. David hails from Bangalore and Beulah hails from Mumbai. Beulah wished to visit her parents in Mumbai, along with David. Initially David hesitated but later agreed after suggesting that they both travel by their Enfield bullet. Though Beulah expressed to travel by train, Beulah agreed to David's wish. On the day of travel, Beulah brought a heavy luggage for travel, insisting that they need them all. David said that they must travel light on this road trip. With much reluctance, Beulah repacked again only the very essentials, in a smaller bag. They prayed and started their journey by bike. Half way, in their journey the bike broke. They were pushed to much inconvenience. Beulah fumed at David; stopped a passing bus, boarded it, and reached her parents home. David was on the road with his broken bike, wondering what next?
Rajesh and Silvia are married for a year. After marriage, Silvia started to work in the same company as Rajesh. A proposal was given by the boss of the company to give additional work for Silvia in the package section. Silvia liked the idea. But Rajesh thinking of protecting her from overburden, informs the boss that Silvia cannot do additional work. This irritates Silvia. They both travelled back home from work. On returning home Rajesh asks Silvia to prepare coffee. Silvia shouts back, "Iam not your slave", slams the door and walks away. Rajesh was left clueless.
Nishanth and Sarah loved each other for three years and got married. Nishanth found Sarah talking with her mother for long hours without doing the household works. Nishanth told Sarah to take care of the household works and reduce her talking with her mother. Sarah shot back, "why don't you do the household works?" Nishanth shouted back and said that his mother-in-law was uneducated. This further infuriated Sarah who commented on the way Nishanth was brought up by his parents. She shouted saying Nishanth does not care anything about her, and spends time only with TV or roams with friends. That night they behaved as aliens in their bed. It's been a month now since they had enjoyed each other and had sex. To the outside world they show as if everything is fine.
Santhosh and Sandra are married for 8 years. On this Saturday afternoon, Sandra wanted to attend her contact classes for her distance education programme on social work. She hoped to take up some work with an NGO. But Santhosh turned up late. Santhosh said that he had lot of work at office. Sandra refuted saying, you did not want to be home engaging our two kids.
Santhosh: You know this is audit time, and it is important for me to finish my work. Besides if I grow in my job, you need not even work.
Sandra (with an angry tone): That is what I meant. You don't want me to go out. And you want me to stay at home with kids.
Santhosh ( with a justifying tone): That is not what I meant. I meant you need not tire your self.
Sandra (with a loud voice): If you realy care about me, you should have come home early, and taken care of the kids. Which is easier? You want the easier one, and call it as taking care of me.
Santhosh: But I dont excel well in taking care of kids. But you do,
Sandra: It is very clear that you do not want to take care of kids, and therefore you came late
Santhosh: No! It was really work.
This incident made them to build defensive walls, which started reflecting in every walk of their family life, and was becoming very tiring. What can they do get a breakthrough?
Felix and Sheebha are married for 15 years. They have a 13 year old son Andrew and a 10 year old daughter Diana. One evening, as promised by Felix, Felix took Diana out for dinner because she had come out in flying colours in her exams. Andrew was not happy that his father took Diana alone for dinner. The next night, Sheebha took Andrew for dinner because he had scored 2 goals in the school football match. When Felix arrived home from work, he finds Diana alone at house. On learning that Diana was left behind alone, Felix calls Sheebha over phone, and asks them to return home immediately. On arriving home Sheebha complains that Felix never cared for their son. Felix responded that he is paying all the fees, but never does Andrew work hard and adds that Diana shouldn't be left home alone. Sheebha complains that Felix has soft corner only for Diana. She also says that Diana is old enough to be alone. Shocked, Felix responded that he only encouraged good performance in studies, and that Andrew playing football will do no good to him. On hearing this comment, Andrew bangs the door and hits the bed. Soon Sheebha follows Andrew, to comfort him. Felix is left fuming.
Why Marriages fail
David and Lily
David and Lily got married recently. David served God as a missionary. Lily, a pious Christian, agreed to this marriage since it would help her become more involved in ministry. Soon after a month, David got involved in church planting and Lily into women's ministry. As the ministry responsibilities grew, Lily found household chores tiring her. She asked David to help her out. David said he was not used to it and asked her to engage someone from church to help. When Lily said she found it difficult to ask for outside help as she is new to this place, David simply said she has to find a way out. He blamed her for her nature being reserved. To avoid conflict he stayed away most of the day and would return home late. Lily felt lonely at home. She wrote in her journal that she would plan to get involved more in the ministry the next day and went to sleep.
What are the factors affecting their oneness now?
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David and Lilly are married for the past 6 months. David serves God as a missionary and Lily a pious Christian. David hails from Kodai and Lilly hails from Trichy. Lilly wished to visit her parents in Trichy, along with David. Initially David hesitated but later agreed after suggesting that they both travel by their bike. Though Lilly expressed to travel by train, Lilly agreed to David's wish. On the day of travel, Lilly brought a heavy luggage for travel, insisting that they need them all. David said that they must travel light on this road trip. With much reluctance, Lilly repacked again only the very essentials, in a smaller bag. They prayed and started their journey by bike. Half way, in their journey the bike broke. They were pushed to much inconvenience. Lilly fumed at David; stopped a passing bus, boarded it, and reached her parents’ home. David was on the road with his broken bike, wondering what next?
Recognise some of the threats in this incident.
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David and Lily are married for 1 year now. David served as a missionary. David found Lily either talking to her mother or any church ladies over the phone for long hours without doing the household works. David told Lily to take care of the household works and reduce her talking over the phone. Lily shot back, "why don't you do the household works?" David got irritated and shouted back and said that his mother-in-law was uneducated. This further infuriated Lily who commented on the way David was brought up by his parents. She shouted saying David does not care anything about her, and spends time only with other believers or in prayer and there is no time between them. That night they behaved as aliens in their bed. It's been a month now since they had enjoyed real intimacy and romance. To the outside world and congregation they showed as if everything is fine.
Where do you think things gone ugly?
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Communication
David and Lily are married for a year and a half now. They have a baby of 6 months. After marriage, Lily started working along with David in his ministry. They both attended a mission conference, where Lily was asked to lead kids section for the coming academic year. Lily agreed happily. After the afternoon session Lily conveyed this to David. David said she will not be able to handle the responsibility as she has too much in her plate. She said she can handle it if he can help her a bit. David straight went to the core team and requested them to remove Lily's name from the list of leaders proposed for the coming year. This irritates Lily. They both travelled back home from conference. On returning home David asks Lily to prepare coffee. Lily shouts back, "I am not your slave", slams the door and walks away. David was left clueless.
What went wrong?
David and Lily fought yesterday over a spilt coffee and it has led to a total silence at home. David being a outdoors person trying to liven up the space called the children and asked them whether they can go out. Children aging 6 and 5 agreed happily. They called their mother to come out for a walk. Lily outrightly refused to come. Nothing could encourage her to come out. Since David prompted the children for a walk, he had to take them as they became cranky, leaving Lily at home. Lily sat in darkness desperately wanting to talk to David. She cried in silence.
What could have gone wrong? How do you think they could have acted better?
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Conflict
David and Lily are serving the Lord in Kodai. They are married for 8 years now and blessed with two children. Lily comes from a humble background than David . But she has good education and has good experience working in an MNC before joining David in ministry. After marriage David handed over the finances at home as David's travels increased recently. So David expected Lily to run the family in his absence. Whenever David returns home he will look into the family affairs and finances as well. Now and then he will complain about overspending and unnecessary expenditure, while Lily felt it was a necessity. One day David found Rs. 5000/- was not accounted for. On enquiring Lily says she gave that to her parents as her father who had mild heart attack and was hospitalized. David got upset with Lily and both went into deeper arguments and lost their peace. David expected an apology from Lily. Lily felt that she had all the freedom and rights and as it was not a huge amount for she also contributed to the family. This led to misunderstanding and frequent fights between both.
What should they do?
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David lost his father few months ago. Since there was no one take care of his mother, David brought her to his home. He thought she will get adjusted in a new routine and she had her grandkids around her. But mother Annal felt really lonely. She missed her husband and her old home and her church friends. While sitting out one day, she found a neighbour walking over to her. After talking with her she thought she had a friend now. Her new friend asked her to join her to pray with some of her friends in the neighbourhood. Annal waited that day until David came home. She told him that she found a friend and she is going to be part of this new group. David stood there as she spoke saying nothing. She was too excited about her new hope. Once she stopped David plainly said, he is a pastor and has own ministry. Since he and his wife Lily are out Annal can take care of the children and be at home. Annal's heart sank. She thought before she had to take permission from her husband and now her son. She sat down disappointed.
David and Lily have 2 children aged 6 and 5. Since the father's death, the mother also stays with them. Lily is found to be pregnant again with her third child. David does not know what to do. The situation at home does not allow them to go for this child. Both are confused. If you know David and Lily what would you tell them?
David and Lily have been pastoring their church for more than 15 years now. Recently they noted that a girl in the worship team and a boy who helps in church activities have some strange connections. On probing the girl blunts out that they are in a relationship and she is one month pregnant. David insists that the girl informs her parents. The parents refuse to accept the reality when the girl told them the situation. But ask David to hush the matters somehow and promise him that they will surely take her to the doctor to terminate the pregnancy. David stands there speechless. What would you do if you are in David's situation?
